Amendments
by lynne z
Summary: Alex tries to reconcile her past with her present after the re-opening of Joe's murder. BA in established relationship. Follows my fic Pointing Home. Please review
1. Prologue

**A/N: This is an attempt to incorporate "Amends" into my Madison verse. The first part is more of a prologue that adds "missing scenes" into the actual episode in order for the following chapter(s) to make sense and to connect it to my fic Pointing Home. Yes I have a tendency to over explain things. LOL. Please review.**

Prologue

Madison rested her chin on Bobby's forearm as they sat at the kitchen table with puzzle pieces spread out in front of them. Alex sat across from them half reading a book and half watching them as they worked on opposite corners of the puzzle.

They were in Bobby's third week of leave, even though Alex had gone back that Monday mostly working on paperwork and helping out Logan and Barek where she could.

They had spent the first two weeks being normal; taking Madison to school, spending the days home alone together or out running errands, and having family dinners at night. There were a couple days when Bobby would go to Lewis' garage or Alex would go out with her sister and sister-in-laws, but otherwise it was just them. It was all oddly domestic and…normal.

One thing that still troubled them was Brady's ramblings in that yellow legal pad. Alex was bothered by the fact that Bobby was insistent on reading through it and he was bothered by not finding the answers he wanted.

Despite the worry gnawing at the back of her mind, she couldn't help but relax as she watched him and Madison across from her. He caught her watching them and smiled, which she easily returned.

She was about ready to get up to refill her glass of water, mostly as an excuse to wrap her arms around him in passing, when her cell phone began to ring.

"Eames," she answered and listened to the captain, her face growing serious and somber. "Of course, I'll meet you at the hospital."

She rose from the chair and looked over at Bobby's questioning gaze.

"What is it?"

"Uh…that was Ross…an officer has been hurt. He wants me to come in…"

Bobby nodded and rose from his chair.

"I-I'll go with you…"

"He's not expecting you…"

Bobby shrugged. "It's a cop…I'm going."

Alex looked over him wearily, but then nodded with thin pressed lips.

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Alex never expected to be sitting in Teresa Quinn's living room eleven years after they lost contact as her family members roamed the house morning the loss of Kevin Quinn. She fought not to squirm as Teresa brought up Alex's own loss and shrugged off her apology for not keeping in touch.

"Someone told me they thought you had gotten remarried…" Teresa said, twisting a Kleenex around her fingers.

Alex faintly smiled with tight lips and nodded. "For about four years."

"No one seemed to know for sure," Teresa said. "Is he a cop?"

Alex nodded and then reluctantly said, "He…uh…he's in your kitchen talking to Copa."

"Really?" Teresa asked with an expression Alex could only read as disappointment. "Sorry…I guess I have a hard time seeing you with any one but Joe."

Alex looked down at the floor, understanding better than anyone the leap from one to the other.

"Neither could I for a long time," Alex said and tried to give her a reassuring smile.

Teresa wiped her eyes and then said, "I guess this is where you tell me it'll get better…you just have to give it time…"

Alex shook her head. "I wanted to slug every person who told me that."

Teresa let out a weak snort and nodded.

"Do you have any kids?" Teresa asked.

"A girl…she just turned six last week."

"Six? I thought you'd been married four years?'

Alex sighed and gave a tight smile. "She wasn't exactly planned…but she's ours and I wouldn't change anything."

"Not anything?" Teresa asked with a hint of an accusation in her tone.

Alex held Teresa's dark eyes with a sober and remorseful gaze while her mind wandered to the life she planned as opposed to the one she got.

"Eames?"

She looked up and found her partner standing hesitantly in front of them, wringing his hands together.

"We…we need to get back," Bobby said.

Alex nodded and rose from the sofa.

"You'll be at the funeral?" Teresa asked as she stood up.

"Of course," Alex said.

Teresa nodded, thankfully and Alex returned the gesture before turning toward the door.

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They got home late that night and found Eleanor on the sofa with a sleeping Madison curled up in a ball with her head resting on Eleanor's thigh.

Bobby veered to the left toward the kitchen while Alex went to the right toward the living room.

Eleanor gave her a tired but amused smile.

"She wouldn't go to bed until you two got home," Eleanor said in her subtle southern draw. "Stubborn as a mule."

Alex smiled as Eleanor carefully lifted herself out of the seat.

"She comes by it naturally," Alex said. "Thanks for everything."

Eleanor patted Alex's shoulder and lightly shook her head.

"You make an old woman feel useful…keep me young…" Eleanor said.

Alex watched her head toward the door and saw Bobby stroll to let her out.

While Bobby and Eleanor said good night, Alex lifted Madison off of the sofa and carried her down to her room.

She tucked the covers around her daughter and then knelt beside the bed, tracing her fingers along the soft skin of the girl's cheek.

Before she was conceived, Alex had spent many nights thinking about and mourning the children she never thought she would have after Joe's murder. It was especially true when she was pregnant with her nephew and she never really thought she would end up pregnant again, let alone fall in love.

Alex felt Bobby kneel down beside her and then his hand on her back.

"You-you okay?" he whispered.

She nodded a little too vigorously and said, "Yeah…this case just…it brings back a lot of memories."

Bobby hesitantly nodded and began to draw circles on her back, while she continued to watch Madison's sleeping face.

"Any you want to talk about?" he asked.

Alex shrugged. "It's nothing you don't already know."

"I can listen again…or at least pretend to," he tried to teased.

She softly chuckled and without thinking leaned into him, but when she connected to him she felt her muscles tense with guilt for a crime she wasn't even sure if she was culpable for: betrayal.

"Are you upset with me?" Bobby's voice broke through her thoughts, sensing her hesitation just like she knew he would.

"What? No…"

"Everyone else is be…because of the line-up…it's okay—"

Alex shook her head and sat up.

"You were doing your job…"

"Then what's bothering you?" he asked, softly.

She sighed. "I don't know how to explain…like I said…there's just a lot of things that I haven't thought about in a really long time."

"I…I might be able to help…"

She shook her head. "You know all those times you've had to sort out things by yourself first?"

He nodded with a soft sigh and then said, "It's one of those times, huh?"

"Yeah."

Bobby kissed her forehead and bit back all the questions and insecurities that still rumbled through him when it came to Joe.

"Okay," he said.

"Thank you," Alex said and then brushed her lips against his.

He rose, pulling her up with him and wrapped his arms around her. She let him hold her, resting her head on his chest and understood he needed the reassurance. His warmth and musky scent slightly relaxed her and she realized how exhausted she really felt.

"I'm going to bed," she said and pulled away from him.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The picture from the St. Patrick's Day parade still burned in Alex's mind as she hugged Teresa.

She had forgotten how good she and Joe looked together; how perfectly she fit against him or how effortlessly he could make her laugh.

Teresa pulled away and Alex saw her expression darken.

"Is it true your partner let that bastard go?"

Alex sighed, shifting on the balls of her feet, and glanced at the floor.

"Teresa, I know how hard this is, but—"

"Do you? Do you even remember?"

"What Copa said…it wasn't adding up—"

"What, because your partner says so? The chief told me about him…his reputation…" Teresa said, keeping her voice low. "…nearly risked losing his badge mouthing off at the commissioner after his daughter was murdered…and you're telling me to trust his judgment just because you're sleeping with him."

"I'm…" she sighed to stop the trembling in her voice. "We will find who did this."

Teresa shook with anger and grief. She stormed off and ran into Copa along the way, who tightly hugged her as she cried. Alex caught him looking at her with cold eyes and a clenched jaw.

She met his eyes, biting back the urge to call him out in front of Teresa and his own wife, and thought _at least I wasn't off getting a blow job while my partner was being murdered._

Alex let out a shaky breath as she turned away and quietly made her way out onto the front stoop.

She saw Bobby leaning against the SUV as he watched Teresa's oldest son. Her first instinct was to walk up to him and bury her face in his chest while he stroked her hair or back, but she knew it wasn't the place. She headed toward him and settled for brushing her finger tips along his palm as she passed him the keys.


	2. Chapter One

**A/N: So this was initially meant to be a one or two chapter deal, but it keeps growing and keeps going in directions I didn't intend, but hopefully it works and doesn't get too repetitive. Thanks for all the reviews on the prologue and please let me know what you think of where it is going. And the rest of the story takes places after the close of the episode. **

Chapter One

Alex was quiet as she drove them back home, still lost in an evidence box with a bloody shirt and a cigarette butt over a decade old. All those years she thought she knew what had happened. She had no reason not to trust the story that was told to her, just like Teresa had no reason not to trust Copa.

Bobby stole sideways glances at her, worried he had crossed a line that he wasn't going to be able to come back from.

He continued to wearily watch her as they went through the motions of parking the car and getting into the building.

As they entered the apartment, Eleanor and Madison looked up from the kitchen table, where they sat going through one of Madison's workbooks.

Alex walked up behind Madison and kissed the top of her head, before walking down the hall to the bedroom.

Bobby showed Eleanor out and as he came back into the kitchen, Madison turned her head from the hallway to him.

"Is momma okay?" she asked as he stepped closer to her.

He sighed and ran a hand over her hair.

"She…she didn't have a very good day," he said. "I'm gonna go talk to her…and then we'll…we'll make dinner, okay?"

Madison nodded and watched him disappear down the hall.

Bobby found Alex in the oversized chair in the far corner of their bedroom with her legs tucked under her and her thumbnail between her teeth.

He cautiously sat on the ottoman in front of her. She didn't make any move to acknowledge him, but just continued to stare at the plaid pattern on the arm of the chair.

"Alex…"

"I thought I was over it," she said softly, still refusing to look at him. "I guess I just got good at forgetting…you made it easy and Mad, well she put a pad lock on it."

Bobby leaned forward and fought the urge to touch her, wanting her to soothe his own insecurities.

"I…I'm sorry…that I pushed this," he said, trying to catch her eyes. "But you needed to know the truth."

She nodded absently. "When it happened I just wanted it to be over…for someone to hurt as much as I was. All I could ever think was how unfair it was that we would never…anything."

Her voice trailed as her eyes welled with tears and she felt Bobby shift uncomfortably in front of her.

"Are…" Bobby's voiced trailed, uncertain if he really wanted to know the answer to the question on the tip of his tongue. "Are you…still…still in love with him?"

She was startled by the question and looked up at him with watery eyes. She felt guilt topple on top of guilt at the pained expression in his eyes.

Alex shook her head and shrugged her right shoulder. "I guess a part of me will always love him…but I also can't image being anywhere else, but where I am. I just don't know what that means when he crosses my mind… I can't help but still feel guilty sometimes…"

"For…for being able to…to move on," Bobby said. "F-for surviving."

She shook her head, but still didn't know how to explain the things she was feeling and wasn't even sure if she completely understood them herself.

"We always thought we'd end up like our parents…the kids, the house…the golden anniversary…and I wanted it, but now… to think about the possibility of not having you or Mad…it hurts…what does that mean?" she said her voice wavering on the last phrase.

Her shoulders heaved with silent sobs and he pulled her against him. He tightened his arms around her as she gave in and cried into his chest.

"I-I don't know what it means," he spoke into her hair, chewing back his own tears of guilt and helplessness of not knowing how to help. "I…I hope it means you're happy with where you ended up…but…but just because you are…it doesn't invalidate what…he was to you. Just like missing him…doesn't change what we are."

He hoped he had convinced himself as well as her, as he felt her arms tighten around his stomach.

"I'm sorry," she whimpered. "This isn't very fair to you."

He buried his nose into her silky hair and breathed deep, slightly settling his nerves.

"If…if anyone got a fair deal out of this…it's me, so don't apologize," Bobby said.

She squeezed him even closer, pressing her face into the space where his neck met his shoulder.

"This whole thing just got everything so jumbled…I don't know what I'm supposed to feel…"

"You-you feel what you feel…"

Alex kept her face buried against the skin of his neck and took in deep breaths, trying to stop her crying.

She sat up, but felt his hand cradle her cheek and she leaned into it as she let out a long breath. She wiped one cheek with the back of her hand, while Bobby swiped the other with his thumb.

She placed her hand on his wrist and turned to kiss his palm.

"How scary do I look?" Alex asked, again wiping her eyes and his hand fell to rest on her knee.

"You're beautiful," he said.

She rolled her eyes, but placed her hand over his. "Liar."

He gave her weak, but hopeful smile.

They both stared down at their joined hands, both a little calmer, but still unsure.

"Maddie's probably getting antsy," Alex said.

"She…she could tell you were upset…" he said with a nod. "I told her I'd make dinner…after I checked on you"

Alex stood, kissing his forehead on the way. "Then we should probably go find something to eat."

He reluctantly nodded and followed her, knowing they were both too drained to make anymore sense of everything.

Madison sat up on her knees in the kitchen chair and watched them as they came toward her.

Bobby headed to the frig, while Alex approached the table.

"Are you okay, momma?"

Alex gave her a small smile and lifted her up before settling down in the kitchen chair, hugging her daughter close.

"Yeah…I'm okay," Alex said softly into Madison's hair and then kissed her head. "I love you, baby."

"Love you too, momma," Madison said and craned her neck to look up at her mother.

Alex smiled and then kissed her forehead, while listening to the clanking of pans and the rustle of bags that Bobby had placed on the counter near the stove, knowing he needed something to let out his nervous energy.

The doorbell startled all three of them, their eyes swinging toward the sound.

"I'll get it," Bobby said, beginning to move toward the door.

"No, you're already cooking," Alex said, placing Madison on her feet and then rising from the chair. "Maddie, why don't you help daddy, I'll get the door."

Alex walked the short distance to the door and as her hand hit the knob she glanced over at Madison climbing onto a step stool next to Bobby as he gave her a simple task to help him with. The peace she felt watching them nearly made her forget the door, realizing that she couldn't feel guilty about that little girl or how she happened to come by her.

The bell sounded again and Alex forced her attention back to the door.

She twisted the knob, pulling the door open and silently gapped at the woman standing shyly in the hallway.

"Teresa…"

"I guess I'm the last person you thought would show up on your doorstep," Teresa said with a strained smile.

"It's a fair bet."

Teresa nodded. "I…uh…I heard you got him…"

"We did," Eames nodded.

Teresa gave a short nod, looking down at her feet as if trying to find courage from the floor for whatever reason she had actually come there.

"Look…I had no right to say the things I did…I'm sorry…"

Alex shook her head. "It's okay…if…it was different…if it was me…I probably would have reacted the same way."

"Still…I had no right…you had no reason to be kind to me, but you were—"

"Momma! Daddy wants to know if you want the sauce sweet or spicy?"

Alex couldn't help but let out a small laugh and then called back, "Sweet."

"That's what he thought!" Madison called and Alex could hear Bobby laugh and then mutter something about that not being what he had meant for her to do.

"I'll go," Teresa said. "I didn't mean to interrupt."

"No…why don't you come in…Bobby's actually a pretty good cook. I mean you once survived my cooking so you'll love his," Alex said.

Teresa watched her hesitantly.

"You sure?" she asked.

"Yeah," Alex nodded and gestured her to come in.

She shyly entered and watched Alex close the door.

"Thanks…the boys are at Kevin's parents and I just really didn't want to be at the house."

Alex put a hand on Teresa's shoulder and steered her toward the kitchen island.

"Can we set another place?" Alex asked.

Bobby and Madison turned to look at them. Alex could see his surprise, but he kindly nodded.

"Sure," Bobby said. "I-I hope you like eggplant."

Teresa gave a tight smile and then said, "Sounds great."


	3. Chapter Two

Chapter Two

Teresa sat nervously at the kitchen table with Alex as they watched Bobby and Madison.

Madison steadily stirred the sauce with a wooden spoon as her father had instructed, while he dumped the pasta into a colander.

"She's beautiful," Teresa said, quietly.

Alex responded with a small smile. "Best thing I ever did."

"We were trying again…I really wanted a girl…" Teresa said with a soft sniffle and blinking back tears.

Alex looked down at the table and a few long seconds later was thankful when Bobby placed a dish of eggplant parmesan in the center of the table. He gave her a small and slightly tense smile, while Madison placed plates in front of them.

Madison sat between her parents as they ate in awkward silence, leaving the magnified sounds of shifting chairs and clinking silverware as the only conversation. She carefully watched the three adults around her, noticing her father discretely keeping an eye on her mother and Teresa avoiding looking at her father.

"Daddy?"

"What baby?" Bobby asked, glancing toward her.

"I thought we were going to look through grandma's books before you went back to work," Madison said.

Bobby scratched the back of his neck and glanced from Teresa, who had finally turned her attention to him, and then to Alex.

"Uh…we'll still go through them," he said and then turned back to his plate.

"Are we going to keep all of them?"

"I-I don't know…at least the ones I don't already have," Bobby said, his tone soft, but willing her to drop the subject.

Madison quietly huffed as she again looked at the adults around her. Alex remained quiet as she picked at her food and when Madison glanced at Teresa she saw something in the woman's eyes that reminded her of her father's at her grandmother's funeral. She watched Teresa for a long minute before the woman looked up at her.

"Are you sad?" Madison asked.

"What?" Teresa asked, startled.

"Mad…" Alex quietly scolded.

"What? Dr. Patel said it's good to talk when you're sad," Madison argued.

Bobby turned toward her and said, "We-we know, but…it's not polite to ask someone you don't know very well personal questions."

Madison scrunched her face and replied, "But momma said that's what you do all the time."

Bobby glanced at Alex, who hid her smile with her hand, and gave her a half amused, half annoyed smile, while both caught the soft snort that Teresa had let out.

Alex ran her hand over Madison's hair and through a soft laugh said, "That's different."

"Why?"

"Alex, it's okay," Teresa said, sitting forward. "I…I am sad, sweetie."

"I'm sorry," Madison said. "I'm sad that my grandma died."

Teresa looked over at Alex, silently asking if it was her mother, but Alex replied with a small shake of her head.

Teresa met Bobby's eyes and said quietly, "I'm sorry."

Bobby nodded with a small thankful smile and understood that she wasn't just apologizing for his loss, but for her inability to believe that he and Alex's marriage was in fact real.

"Me too," he said softly.

They all went back to their plates, but each felt a little more comfortable.

"This was great," Teresa said, gesturing to the food with her fork.

"I told you he was better than me," Alex said.

"At least you're better than Joe was…remember that time he tried to make you dinner for your anniversary," Teresa said and then abruptly regretted the mention as she looked from Alex to Bobby. "I—"

"It's okay," Bobby said holding up his hand.

"Who's Joe?" Madison asked.

Alex sighed and met Bobby's eyes. They had never discussed telling Madison about Alex's first husband and she never would if it made Bobby uncomfortable.

"I'll tell you some other time, okay?" Alex said tucking a curl behind Madison's ear.

"Okay," Madison said, but Alex and Bobby didn't miss her disappointment.

They quietly finished eating and Bobby started to clean off the table.

"Let me help," Teresa said as she rose from the table and began to gather her and Alex's plate. "It's the least I can do."

Bobby held up his hand and shook his head.

"I got it…relax," Bobby said, taking the plates from her and then turned toward the sink.

Teresa sat back down and watched Alex play with Madison's hair.

"Why don't you go get ready for your bath…I'll be there in a minute," Alex said.

Madison nodded and then smiled at Teresa as she hoped off her chair and rounded the table.

"Good night if you're not here when I'm done," Madison said.

"Good night, sweetie," Teresa said. "It was very nice to meet you."

"You too," Madison said.

Alex watched Madison head back to her bedroom and then glanced over at Bobby as he loaded the dish washer.

"Wow, he cooks and he cleans," Teresa said, trying for a light tone. "I'm not even sure Kevin knew we had a dishwasher…"

Alex smiled. "With Joe it was always the laundry…sometimes I think he purposely screwed up so I'd do it…I don't know how many blouses he ruined."

"He was like Kevin…his mom did everything for him up until he left the house…"

"Sometimes even after…" Alex said with a small laugh and turned her eyes back to Bobby.

He was leaning against the counter and rubbing his hands together, while he watched them with soft, thoughtful eyes. She knew he was trying to look comfortable, effectively hiding his insecurities from Teresa, but Alex knew better.

"Momma! I'm ready!"

Alex stood and then said, "You're welcome to stay for awhile…I'll just be twenty minutes or so."

Teresa gave her a thankful nod and then Alex disappeared down the hall, leaving Teresa to give Bobby a tense smile.

"You're mother must have raised you right," Teresa said.

Bobby glanced down at the floor and tried to smile.

"Sh-she tried," Bobby said.

He strolled back to the table and sat across from her. She leaned back in the chair and crossed her arms over her chest. He looked down at the table while her eyes surveyed the apartment.

"Did you want anything to drink…coffee…anything?" Bobby asked.

Teresa shook her head. "I'm fine thanks. Dinner really was great…"

Bobby smiled and nodded, lacing his fingers together and staring back down at the table. Teresa hugged her shoulders and crossed her leg, lightly letting her foot from side to side.

"How long you been on the force?" Teresa asked.

Bobby shifted in his chair as he looked up at her, preferring uncomfortable silence to forced chit-chat.

"Uh…I guess going on about thirteen years," Bobby said.

Teresa nodded and then looked down at the table. Bobby occasionally stole glances at her and every now and then she met his eyes, while wearing a forced, thin smile.

He slowly rose from the table.

"I-if you're okay…I'm going to go take care of some things," Bobby said.

"Oh don't let me keep you…or maybe I should go," she said preparing to rise from the table.

Bobby held up his hand and she stilled.

"I think Alex would like to talk to you more," Bobby said. "S-so, please…stay. Just let me know if you need anything."

He watched her nod and once he was satisfied that she was somewhat comfortable, walked to the small nook in the living room that served as a mini office. He busied himself with bills that weren't near due.

In the bathroom, Alex knelt beside the tub and massaged shampoo into Madison's chestnut locks, while Madison tailed a floating bubble with her finger.

"Will you tell me who Joe is?" Madison asked.

She half sighed and half snorted at her insistence. _Just like Bobby: never forgets anything._

"He's someone I knew a long time ago," Alex said. "Let's rinse."

Madison held her nose between her fingers and squeezed her eyes shut just before Alex gently dunked her head under the water.

Several seconds later Madison came up with a gasp of air and wiped the water from her eyes.

"Did you know him when you were friends with Teresa?"

Alex nodded, but didn't explain, as she began to comb conditioner through Madison's hair. Madison watched her mother from the corner of her eye and began tapping her foot against the side of the tub. Alex recognized it as one of the nervous ticks she got from Bobby, but didn't know what to say to ease her little mind.

"Was he mean?" Madison asked.

"What?" Alex asked, ceasing to comb her hair. "No. Why did you ask that?"

Madison shrugged. "You won't tell me about him…daddy never tells me about his dad…grandma told me once he was mean and that's why daddy won't talk about him…"

Alex sighed and ran a hand over Madison's wet head.

"Grandma, probably shouldn't have told you that," Alex said, urging Madison to again dunk her head.

Madison came back up and asked, "You're sure he wasn't mean?"

"Yes, baby, I'm sure…Joe wasn't mean…but it's complicated," Alex said. "I know you want to know…but for now I need you to let it go." She saw Madison begin to protest. "I'm not saying no…just not right now, okay? Please."

Madison sighed and nodded. "Okay…"

Alex nodded and snatched a towel off the rack. She held the towel up and Madison climbed out of the tub and into the towel, wrapping her arms around her mother's neck. Alex wrapped her arms and the towel around Madison and held her, slightly rocking from side to side.


	4. Chapter Three

Chapter Three

Alex and Teresa sat on the sofa and sipped tea. They had been quietly chatting about the people they were eleven years ago for about an hour, ever since Bobby went to read to Madison.

"You have a nice family, Alex," Teresa said. 

Alex gave her a small smile and nodded. 

"I know we don't look like we make much sense and everybody assumes we stayed together because of Madison, but I fell in love with him…as much as I tried not to, I did."

"I'm sorry…I never meant to imply that—"

"It's okay…things happened a lot faster than either of us planned…but it works."

Teresa nodded. "I'm glad you were able to find someone…but it still might take me a while to get use to it…everything's so different."

Alex nodded. "Don't I know it."

Teresa sighed and then took another sip of her tea.

"The chief came by and told me about the arrest…he said his name was Delgado…was it…"

"His son," Alex said. 

Teresa shook her head and fought back her tears. 

"Why did Copa say he saw what he saw?"

"He just assumed…"

"But why…it wasn't his fault…he did everything he was supposed to…why not just say he wasn't there."

Alex sighed and shifted. 

"He…he wasn't on a bathroom break."

"What?"

"He, um, he got a text from a woman…Bobby said he called her a 'cop groupie,' he was in her car during…"

"Jesus…poor Doreen," Teresa said, her tears turning to quiet anger, and then abruptly turned to Alex. "You don't think Kevin—"

"No, no…I don't think he even knew where Copa was going…"

Teresa nodded and let out a long sigh. 

"Thank you…I needed to know the truth."

"I know you did," Alex said, involuntarily glancing over her shoulder to try to see down the hall. 

They sat quietly for a little while longer until Teresa excused herself, tightly hugging and thanking Alex before Alex showed her out. 

After locking the door, Alex made her way back to Madison's room. She found Bobby sitting with one leg stretched along the bed and the other hanging off the side. Madison was curled against him asleep and his fingers combed through her hair. 

"You hiding out?" Alex asked, leaning on the doorframe. 

He looked up at her with a half smile.

"A little," he said. "You two needed to talk…I didn't want to make her…either of you uncomfortable."

"It's your house."

"Yours too."

Alex smiled and stepped further into the room. She leaned over Bobby and kissed Madison's cheek. On the way back up she brushed her lips against his before standing straight.

"I going to try to go to sleep," Alex said. "Don't stay up all night reading, okay?"

He nodded, knowing she specifically meant Brady's confession. 

"I won't."

Alex nodded. She could see he wanted to say more, but was thankful when he bit his tongue and let her walk out the door.

Once in their bedroom, Alex stripped, slipped into one of Bobby's old T-shirts, and then crawled into bed. She lay down on her back and pulled the covers up to her waist as she stared at the span of white above her, while Madison, Bobby and Joe mingled in her head; numerous strong emotions fighting for supremacy. 

She wasn't sure how long she stared at the ceiling and she didn't remember falling asleep, but the next thing she knew it was three a.m. and she was once again staring up at the ceiling.

She looked toward her right and saw Bobby asleep on his side facing her, just close enough to not be touching her. She understood what he was doing: he wanted to be close to her, but didn't want to crowd her. 

Alex reached her arm across her chest and lightly ran her finger down the bridge of his nose. He shifted slightly and then she rolled onto her side so that they were face to face. It was rare for her to actually see him sleep, though she was probably the one person who knew, despite his fidgeting and need for stimulation, that he also craved the stillness. 

"Bobby…"

He sucked in deep inhalation of air and stretched as his eyes opened. He squinted and twisted to look over at the clock. 

"Well this is different…" he said as he settled back on his side. "…you waking me up at odd hours."

She gave a thin smile as she watched him lay his head back down, so that they were eye to eye. 

"I need to talk to you."

She could see the worry building up blocks in his eyes, but he nodded.

"O-okay."

She grasped his arm and rolled back onto her back, dragging his arm across her ribs. Her fingers weaved into his hair, realizing it was well over due a cut and her lips twitched upwards at the softness of it between her fingers. 

He rested his chin on her shoulder and focused on his arm moving with the rise and fall of her chest, while he waited for her to continue. 

"I…I think I need to go to Joe's grave," Alex said and then found herself frustrated at the unreadable expression on his face. "I haven't been since before Madison was born and everything between us…you and me…it happened so fast, not that I regret it…I don't, but I think maybe I never really said good-bye because of it."

"You-you don't need my permission…I-I know I wasn't the one who was supposed to have all this with you—"

"Bobby…I don't want you to feel like you're some consolation prize…you're not—"

"Most…most of me knows that," he said, his hand drifting upward to toy with the chain around her neck. "But it…it's hard to know that if…if things had gone differently…I wouldn't have had any of this."

"But see, that's the thing. I don't know that," Alex said. "I guess that's what tears me up so much now…the possibility that I would have eventually hurt him…left him…"

"You can't know that—"

"But you can?"

Bobby quietly huffed and propped himself up on his elbow, trailing his finger down the chain to the ring and emerald solitaire that hung from it.

"I don't guess either of us can know what might have happened if…" his voice fell short. 

"You can say the words, Bobby…if he hadn't died…it's okay to say it."

He nodded and then looked up at her eyes. 

"If going to his grave will help…th-then go."

She looked down at his hand and began to trace his veins with her forefinger.

"I feel like you should come with me…and eventually maybe Mad too…I understand if you aren't comfortable with her going—"

"If you want her to—"

"I want to know what you want…she's your daughter and I'd never do anything that would make you feel like I'm undermining your relationship with her." 

"I know that," Bobby said. "But I also understand you must have thought what she'd be like if—"

"I never thought that," Alex said a little louder and with more anger than she intended. "Jesus, Bobby, what do I have to do? I can't always be the one holding us together."

She turned her head away from him at the sound of the cracking in her own voice, as her chest heaved in an effort to control her tears and frustration. _He had the nerve to open all this up, but now can't deal with what came out and expects me to just be able to clean everything up. So fucking typical. _

Bobby shifted and ran his hand down his face. 

"Alex…" he said, reaching his hand over and cupping her neck. 

She willingly rolled over as he urged her movements with a gentle tug and hugged her as she buried her face in his chest.

"Do you know how much it hurts knowing you think that?" Alex asked. "I'm sorry, but I can't deal with your stupid insecurities right now. I know you're still hurting, but I…we shouldn't be something you're uncertain about."

Bobby planted kisses on the crown of her head and murmured, "I'm sorry."

Alex pulled back, but kept her eyes on his T-shirt and he could see she was fighting not to cry. 

"Don't be sorry, just…why can't you believe that I need you? I know I'm not always as affectionate as you are…and I'm not as…sensitive, but…"

He pulled her against him again as her voice trailed.

"I don't…I don't know what to do…I'm so use to you being the one that keeps it together, that when you can't…I can't help but feel…uncertain…about everything."

"I know this has to be hard for you, but I can't just ignore that part of my life to appease your insecurities…"

"I'm not asking you to…I know you need to deal with all this…get closure, but I don't know what role I'm suppose to play in that…or-or if I even have one."

"Of course you have one, Bobby," Alex said, wrapping her arm around his side. "You're my best friend…when things go bad or I need someone to talk to you're always the first person I think of…you have been for a long time, probably longer than you know." 

He massaged her neck with his fingers, while she rested her cheek on his chest. 

"Look," Bobby said, still collecting his thoughts. "I'll…I'll work on keeping my…insecurities…in check, okay? I-I love you…and I know you love me, but it…it's different for you than it is for me. I've never had this before…and I-I can't lose that…"

"What makes you think I can?" Alex asked. "God, watching Teresa, remembering what that felt like…I can't…I can't do that again."

He held her tighter and kissed the top of her head, silently berating himself for not assuming that she would naturally have a fear of burying another man she loved. 

Bobby worked his fingers against her scalp and felt her body go heavy with exhaustion from carrying the weight of all of her own emotions, as well as his. He craned his neck to see her face and noticed that her eyes had slipped closed. He continued massaging her head as he settled on his back to stare up at the ceiling, while still holding her close. 


	5. Chapter Four

Chapter 4

Chapter Four

The aroma of hazelnut filled Alex's nose as she began to stir and she felt the edge of the bed shift. Light streamed into the room through the part in the curtains and she squinted slightly. She look up to find Bobby watching her as he swiped her bangs out of her face and held a mug of coffee in his other hand.

"Hey," he said, holding the cup closer to her.

"Hey," she said sitting up and crossing her legs beneath her.

She took the mug from him and took several long sips, before placing the mug on her nightstand.

"Thanks," she said.

"You're welcome."

"Sorry I fell asleep on you…"

Bobby shrugged. "Maybe we both needed a break."

Alex gave a nod and then leaned forward to rest her temple on his shoulder. He kissed her head and wrapped his arm around her, brushing his fingertips along the base of her spine.

"I love you, Bobby," she said. "And not just for the coffee."

He smiled into her hair and then said, "I know."

They were quiet and she closed her eyes to focus on the feel of his fingers.

"I…I think you should talk to Madison…a-about Joe," Bobby said.

She looked up at him and gave a slight nod as her expression silently asked if he was sure.

"Sh-she keeps asking…" Bobby said.

Alex rolled her eyes and sighed.

"Sorry…I asked her to let it go…"

"Yeah, well, she didn't get that gene," Bobby said with a small self deprecating smile.

"She got some other pretty good ones, though," Alex said and reached an arm behind her to stroke his forearm. "You know we don't have to tell her…or we can wait till she's a little older."

"Look, I'd rather you tell her deliberately than she be snooping around one day and find your wedding album," Bobby said.

Alex couldn't help but smirk at the image of Madison climbing onto the shelves in Alex's closet and stumbling onto the cardboard box that held the remains of her first marriage.

"I'm not saying you go into great details but…I…I just don't think we should keep things from her," Bobby said. "I know there're things I need to tell her too, but I don't know if she's ready…or-or if I am…"

Alex ran her hand through his hair.

"I know…" she said and leaned her head back on his shoulder. "You know you should be there when I talk to her."

"I know."

"And I still feel like I need to go to his grave…"

"I understand that…an-and if you want us all to go I'm okay with that. Honestly I…I'm more comfortable with Mad going than me," he said.

"If it really bothers you, you don't have to—"

"May-maybe I need to go as much as you do…in a way I need closure too…"

She looked up at him and gave him a crooked smile.

"You come up with that last night after I fell asleep?" she asked.

He turned and gave her a soft smile.

"Maybe…I know he was a big part in you becoming who you are; who I fell in love with…it's a complicated thing…"

"I know it is," Alex said and again laid her head down on his shoulder. "I mean it's not like Joe and I broke up…we just stopped…I never really knew where to go from there…so I just lived in a nice little bubble…went through the motions. And then you came along and you…you obliterated my bubble. I didn't know how to feel about that."

"Sorry," he said with a soft snort.

"Don't be…"

"I'm not…not really," Bobby said. "Look, Joe is never going to be a…a comfortable subject for me…but I'll try…however…whatever you need…I'll try."

Alex sat up on her knees and wrapped her arms around his neck. He replied in kind, twisting slightly to hug her waist.

"I don't know what I did to deserve you, but if I ever have to, I hope I'm smart enough to do it again," Alex said.

"Me too," Bobby said.

Alex raised her head and then firmly, but innocently kissed him.

"Momma?" they heard Madison from the doorway and loosened their grip on each other as they turned toward the door.

Madison leaned on the door frame with one leg in the room and the other still in the hallway as she watched them.

"Come here, babe," Alex said, waving her in and sitting back against the pillows.

Madison strolled into the room and hopped onto the bed to snuggle against her mother's side. She smiled up at her father while her mother's fingers combed through her hair and then craned her neck to see Alex's eyes.

"I hear you were asking about Joe again," Alex said.

Madison glanced away from her mother and then gave her father a sour face for tattling on her, which he playfully held up his hands to.

"I didn't mean to…I just thought he would know why you won't tell me…"

"But I asked you not to ask about it," Alex said.

"I know," Madison said. "I'm sorry, momma, but I can just tell something's wrong and I want to know why."

"I know you do, baby," Alex said, hugging her a little closer and feeling unsure about her perceptiveness, though she knew it was the same perceptiveness that probably gave Bobby the ability to survive the things he went through as a kid.

"But daddy wouldn't tell me either," Madison said, leaning into Alex's side.

"Well it's not really daddy's to tell," Alex said. "He never knew Joe and I didn't know daddy when I knew him. It's complicated"

"You two always say that," Madison said.

"Sometimes things are hard for us to explain," Bobby piped in as he crawled up beside them and sat against the headboard.

Madison sighed watching her father and then turned her eyes back to her mother.

Alex returned her gaze and kept swirling her fingers slowly against her daughter's scalp.

Alex let out a deep breath, buying time as she tried to figure out the best way to explain.

"Okay, babe…Joe…was someone who I cared about…very, very much and he…he got hurt really bad and he…he died, baby," Alex said, proud her voice didn't shake more than it did, and then felt Bobby's hand on her lower back.

Madison stared down into Alex's lap and then slowly crawled into her mother's lap. She rested her head on her mother's breast and linked her arms around Alex's waist. Alex eased her arms around Madison's little frame and kissed her head.

"I'm sorry momma," Madison said, her voice muffled by Alex's T-shirt. "You were very sad?"

Alex nodded. "Yeah…I was…for a long time."

"Did daddy make it better?"

Alex smiled into Madison's long dark hair.

"Yeah…yeah he did…a lot better. So did you."

Madison shifted slightly, so that she could see Alex's face.

"Why wouldn't you tell me last night?" Madison asked, sliding down so that she was cradled as if she was a still a baby.

"We…we weren't sure if you would understand, babe," Alex said.

Alex could see Madison thinking as the little girl stared into the blackness of her mother's T-shirt.

"It's not that complicated, momma. You were sad and then daddy made you happy again," Madison said simply and confidently.

Alex smiled down at her, unconsciously rocking her slightly.

"I guess not," Alex said.

Alex felt Bobby's hand on the back of her neck and then his lips press against her head.

"Is it okay if I go play?" Madison asked.

"Yeah, baby. Go," Alex said, loosening her arms around her daughter.

Madison climbed out of her mother's lap and kissed her father before hopping off the bed and heading out the door.

Alex looked up at Bobby, still feeling his fingers on her neck, and then leaned against him.

"See she gets it, why can't you get it?" Alex asked, her voice muffled by his T-shirt.

Bobby laughed and then kissed her head.

"I get it…I guess I just have a hard time accepting that it can be that simple."

She straightened and lightly pushed on his chest, urging him to lay back so she could snuggle against his side. She laid her head over his heart and reached her hand across his stomach, twining her fingers with his. They both watched their fingers tracing and teasing the others; his dwarfing hers.

"We've been through a lot together," Alex said.

"Yeah, we have…some I wish we didn't have to."

Alex nodded against him.

"But there's no reason why we shouldn't be able to get passed this too."

"I know."

Alex closed her eyes, not because she was tired, but because she liked letting her other senses take over when they were both still like this; the thud of his heart, the warmth of his breath against the top of her head, and the feel of his fingers grazing the exposed skin of her hip.

"Did-did you want to go to the grave today?" Bobby asked.

Alex thought for a moment.

"Tomorrow," Alex said. "Let's just do family stuff today."

**A/N: Well I think that's it for this one. I thought about doing the grave scene, but I think it would get too melodramatic and just repeat things that have already been established. So I think a casefile will be next…if I can get it to pan out.**

**Also a special thanks to Boohoo650 – this chapter was suppose to go differently, but your review on an earlier chapter made me re-write this and I think it turned out much better.**

**Thanks for all the reviews!**


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